10 Surefire Ways to Blog Like a Pro

Blogging Tips, Shared!

Mental Detritus is glad to share with you effective blog tips that you can keep track on all your nail-art-adorned fingers! We skimmed pieces of advice off leading online publications and itemized them below. Admire us like the slick blogging pettifoggers we are.

Tick them off religiously and see the page views roll in!

Ten Tips to Blog Your Way to Success!

1. Informative, digestible listicles (see Buzzfeed)

what is a listicle

Dick humor, perfect for listicles.

There is nothing more meta than talking about listicles in a listicle, lick my popsicle.

The listicle is the scourge of the Interwebs. Millennials (yay, me) with minuscule attention spans and weak reading comprehension spawned these gremlins. What better way to prevent TL;DR than to feed your readers content in bite-size portions?

2. Fun and upbeat themed days-of-the-week posts

Funny Best Days of the Week

Only weekends matter.

Some wonderful ideas for prolific bloggers include rhyming weekday adjectives. Take a pick from:

  • Makeup Mondays – Everybody hates Monday. Cheer yourself up with your #MLBB lippies, #HG foundation, and unlit #FOTD poses in front of the bathroom mirror.
  • Tempting Tuesdays – A week will not be complete without visiting the newest ramen offerings in the metro. Write a post evangelizing the benefits of subsisting a week on macerated fruit and bitter grass. End the day with an account of sipping tea and nibbling raspberry macarons at TWG.
  • Wallflower Wednesdays – Dedicate the day to imaginative travel posts on European backpacking trips. Include other experiences you will never have because you are a loser without privileged parents and OFW money.
  • Thaumaturge Thursdays – We had difficulty finding words that started with “th” ( thalassemic is too medical). Good day to do #WOTD posts and enrich your sorry-ass vocabulary.
  • Fitness Fridays – Prepare your body for the next music festival sponsored by bitchy fashionistas and ill-gotten wealth. Be #sorrynotsorry you’re #fitspo and show off those pecs with your GoPro on a selfie stick.
  • Somnolent Saturday – Friday night was a blur at 71 Gramercy, and you did the walk of shame at 7 am. Sleep off the craft cocktails from the speakeasy until sundown.

No blogging on Sundays, because on Sunday we go to church and make up for a week of hedonistic shallowness. I mean, #WWJD, right?

3. Creative projects: #Project365 days of selfies, #100HappyDays

brace yourself project 365 pics are coming

Smackdown-a-day

Let loose your bursts of inspired creativity! Join millions of hipsters who often mistake generous output for sterling quality.

Screw you and your hundred happy days. We hope you get fatal heartburn from your epic efforts on taking cappuccino foam art and truffle oil gyoza snapshots.

Your Instagram duck face is not a special blog snowflake, it seems. Your Vietnam street food posts have only 24 likes, but your BFF’s Cambodian romp in the jungles got on the Explore page. The #OOTD hashtag, coupled with nonchalant model poses in the latest American Apparel, helped the ombre bitch’s cause.

Damn, this means no spot on the next Blogger’s United.

4. Trending topics, TV shows, memes, and viral stories

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Not even zombies are sacred now.

Delve into hip and relevant slice-of-internet-life stories. Hidebound trad media outfits, who would not recognize a quality meme if it bit them on the posterior, parrot them to be cool. Now you can emulate these trope codifiers.

GMA7 catalogs #trendingtopics about their shitty soaps and the actresses that try to act in them. Kapamilyas jockey for place against the megawatt #PBB prisoners. They all underwent auditions, just like your pretty yaya that made pila under the sun and rain. They were all given a fair shot for the chance to be ogled by Kuya in the shower room.

Just keep in mind that a meme stops being a meme to the cool nerds when your run-of-the-mill jeje and forty-year-old GenX-er gets a whiff of it. Meme irrelevance happens to all, even if it was birthed from the bowels of /b/.

When your paunchy, balding, middle-aged uncle starts reading The Walking Dead years after publication, because of #ZOMBIESOMG, it’s time to say goodbye to Rick. Have the show go the way of Heroes and Lost: shit that was cool before your uncle got to it.

5. Positive, feel-good news

bb7

Thanks to all magical headmasters out there.

Share uplifting stories of real people and authentic moments that are more viral than MERS (see Upworthy). You can find quality sources of inspiration on your friends’ Facebook walls.

Some come in the form of angelic children with gargantuan tumors ‘shopped on their tummies. These are examples of corporate generosity, as Mark “Sucker”berg once again donates a greenback for a like. Maybe you get a couple of dollars for sharing on your wall.

Why not ask SWA members about the the economic benefits of multi-level marketing? They earn wads of cash each month by browsing-browsing ‘pag may time. I am sure Mr. Ponzi would have been proud of the common man’s entrepreneurial chops (and brain-dead stupidity).

Let the collective goodness of humankind move you into abject apathy.

6. Clear copy from companies with heart

ancient aliens

Because I can believe in aliens and have #BestBeautiful hair

Try posting resonant, socially conscious advertorials written by the PR shill you are. These online churnalism examples are commissioned by shadowy organizations that subvert the very values they try to sell (see #BrandRap #WhipIt).

Write copy for shampoo brands that show a narrow spectrum of Pinay hair types, yet claim to encourage female empowerment and diversity of beauty. Accompanying images include long, black, stick-straight hair. Preferably undyed, as this attests to a woman’s pure and virtuous vaginal state.

7. Google-friendly and social-media-aware copy

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Don’t be spammy, or he will go all Taken on you

Your blog text should have a liberal sprinkling of choice SEO keywords, particularly long-tail ones. Target unexplored, meaningful niche markets.

#One #major #niche #market #is #porn, #and #blog #readers #love #porn. #The #same #readers #love (keyword) #stuffing #things #into #holes #when #watching #porn. #Porn #is #the #best #SEO #keyword. #You #will #succeed #at #SEO #when #you #copy #SEO #experts and #write #about #porn. #PornAnd1DirectionHits

Lastly, with the appropriate hashtags, you can appeal to illiterate teenagers with UNLITXT20. #Chicser #Jamich #JAPS

8. KISS writing style

funny-reading-book-dog-50-shades-of-grey-pics

What passes for literature these days.

Produce simple, concise prose that is suitable for a sixth grader. Cater to a broader audience and do away with the standard Flesch-Kincaid reading levels. Replace it with a system that panders to the Yahoo Answers user intelligence baseline.

In order of dullest to imbecilic, the levels are: You Tube Commenter, Protozoan, Diptera, and Rodentia.

Show off your serious journalistic chops by claiming to be a professional writer with copyediting experience. Do this whilst mangling the English language into oblivion.

9. Visual impact and organized data

tumblr_m6uvhiG3Cb1qc0l40o1_400

Stock photo fail

Use stolen, unattributed stock images. Select those that are offensive and laughably out of context with the content.

With pirated copies of Photoshop, make shareable and sticky infographics! The following criteria must be met: file sizes as big as a fail whale, a dozen or so irrelevant facts, and a color scheme that triggers epileptic seizures.

Put these images on Pinterest, and watch as wedding-industrial-complex Bridezillas go on a pinning frenzy so wild it makes investors value the site at 5 BILLION DOLLARS.

On slow days, tits. Tits work too.

10. Quality journalism

33d7e_orig-tldr1

Examples of engaging long-form text

Publish heavyweight long-form articles on the latest topics of deep interest. Blather about politics, art, music, society, culture, religion, philosophy, and sports.

If the somber route is taken, write a screed on the following: n-wave feminism, the local culture of corruption, and the various ills that plague our Catholic sensibilities.

The trendy intellectual approach is to take a topic of childish sensibility (ex. Coachella fashion) and imbue it with obscure insights. Thus, articles like “The Hi-Lo Maxi: Indicator of Youthful Acceptance of Body Positivity”. Coachella attendance not required, but #LaBoracay participation is an advantage.

Slather your blog with gravitas. Get it published by local rags with socialites for hard-hitting authors. These magazines place premiums on exquisitely styled cover art. Pages are peppered with musings on Architecture in Helsinki, French authors, and arthouse films.

Start earning now!

meme8-300x300

How can you say no to great deals on pills?

With these ten tips, we guarantee an increase in blog traffic, reader engagement, and click-through. You will hit all your irrelevant online metrics!

Are you prepared to dive into the world of blogging and make money at home, while having more free time to sip your kombucha and do Ashtanga yoga?

BUY THE MENTAL DETRITUS PRO BLOGGING TIPS E-BOOK FOR ONLY USD 4.99!!!

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